What do you want when you communicate with somebody ?
The reality is that being perceived as an expert communicator should NOT be your number 1 priority.
Realise that what you are looking for is to have control of the response. Your response…
Your first priority when communicating is to be sure that what you are saying has been understood. Until that happens everything else is completely irrelevant, simply because you are not communicating.
The message is not getting through.
You also have a responsibility to understand what is being said to you. Without both of these components you are still not communicating.
You are talking AT each other.
You are probably thinking well yes this is all very well but doesn’t the other person also have the same responsibilities to understand me. I mean hey, my view is important here too.
The answer is yes…and no
There are two parties to any communication and because you are here and reading this I assume that you want to improve the type of communication you’re having with other people. I assume that you want to improve the quality of your communication which may mean that you get better responses to your questions or deeper levels of truth or emotions.
Either way, whatever you want out of your communication It is your responsibility to ensure that you get the responses that you need.
If you want more truthfulness…
If you want to be respected more …
If you want to have more influence or more friends..
Any other type of response you can think of.
Remember…Only you are in charge of your brain.
And if you don’t think that you’re in charge of it, then who is and who decided you would let them control your thinking ? Think about that…Because if you can consider who is actually in charge of your thinking it means that you really are the one who is in charge of your thoughts.
That means that you not only have the power to take control of what you think. You also get to decide what you say and how you say it.
Your brain receives a massive amount of information from your ears and eyes and then it decides what that information means. Your mind decides what the messages that you get from the outside world mean and then it tells you about that message. It tells you by encoding that information as a belief. Another aspect that makes up your beliefs are your values.
Values are powerful beliefs that you use to measure yourself against in terms of your results and also your actions. Another word for your values is your conscience. What you believe to be right and good.
So let’s imagine that you have had a message from your boss or your partner. The message says that they are not very happy about something you have done.
That message could be interpreted that you are a victim of circumstance and powerless to change your life for the better… That your boss dominates your life and change is beyond your control…Your partner is the one that makes the decisions for you and so they must be right.
The same information could also be interpreted that while your life is not exactly what you want, at the moment, you have got lots of really big incentives to change it and “By golly you’re not going to let anything or anyone stop you from getting it…”
The thing you can understand here is that YOU are the one who decides what the information you receive means. And you are the one who decides what you will do with that meaning.
Here’s a little test for your beliefs and what they mean to you…
I am assuming that you have a goal that you will get as a result of having better communication skills. Yes ?
Do your current beliefs and the meaning you have attached to them, get you closer to your goals or do they move you further away from them ? And if they are not supporting you in getting your goals is there something else you could believe that would be more useful ?
You have the power to make a choice. You can stick with what has not worked so far…You can keep on doing those things that frustrate you and upset you…
Or you can decide right now that as you realise you are reading this and as you become aware that you are understanding these words… you can change what you believe about anything you want to.
Your whole life is just made up of thoughts. thoughts that come into and flow through your mind. And you get to decide whether you believe them or not and what you want to do about that.
And even when the thoughts say you have no control…You can still ask them this question…
Says who, specifically ?
and just be aware of the answers that come to you.